my kinda stories

Where do i start now....

2011-10-14T09:07:00.001+08:00

There are so many things to do. to decide. to think.

Can i just skip those? Please.....

MountK

2011-08-28T08:00:00.000+08:00

back in 1995
this was my last view of the peak
(this was where i gave up that time)

i never get to the peak because of my chest pain
hopefully this time....
i get there

=)

my heart

2011-08-24T11:04:00.004+08:00

my heart.
continuously weeping.

*sigh*

clueless

2011-08-04T12:16:00.000+08:00

i have nooooo idea what to do for
NEXT YEAR

i am sooooooooo clueless

hmmmm

...............

2011-06-13T02:21:00.001+08:00

i am so close to give up everything
sooo close

note 54

2011-05-07T13:27:00.001+08:00

this love is sooo strong
i dont know what to do anymore

u are the one of all the people out there

How does it feels after 2602

2011-05-06T19:21:00.001+08:00

I feel awesome!!

I'm walking on sunshine.....

note 53

2011-05-06T17:22:00.002+08:00

why am i soo in love with you
maybe your.... loving
im crazy about u
i swear i do
i dont know
your love is sooooooo nice
yes u are baby
you made me smile all day

note 52

2011-03-10T18:01:00.003+08:00

i miss u
why are we apart
aren't we supposed to be together
must go thru all
don't give up on me

note 51

2011-01-09T02:47:00.003+08:00

i love you in so many ways
so far everything
there's always a reason to love you
thank you for letting me love you
you are soooo wonderful

and he did...

2010-12-18T12:25:00.008+08:00

happy birthday VSK

2010-12-16T00:29:00.004+08:00

i wish
i could rewind back everything

i wish
i could have just kept it to myself

i wish
it all never happened

i wish
i could turn back time

i wish
i could just ignore everything

i wish
i could just move on

i wish
i never felt anything from the beginning

i wish
you to be here with me

i wish
to be in your arms

i wish
for you to wish me
"happy birthday ma"

i wish
you well

i wish
you, your happiness

i wish
so that you'll be fine

i wish
i have never let you go

i wish
i could just wash it all away

i wish you get your happiness
somewhere... somehow... someday...

im happier....

2010-12-10T01:10:00.001+08:00

but sometimes... im still in tears...
why is that..?

bloody bitch!

2010-12-09T19:08:00.003+08:00

some people are very very very rude
and they only care their feelings
if u wanna be bad mood. then be it.
u dont have to show ur stupid moody fucking faces around
stay in the box forever and ever for all i care
fuck u la.

note 50

2010-12-01T18:52:00.001+08:00

i miss u
i never miss anyone that bad
it is draining me
its making me weak
im about to do something crazy

i got worried...

2010-12-01T02:20:00.003+08:00

so worried when i heard you're sick..
honestly.. i feel like running to you right away..
and do the things i used to do...

i bathed you when you were helpless..
i fed you when you were so weak..
i massaged you when you were in pain..
i kissed you when you cried..
i hugged you when you sad..
i held your hand when you feel soooo alone...
i tapped you to sleep when you couldn't sleep..
just like a baby to me...
cos deep down... you are...

and the greatest thing ever...
i love you still

so how can i not worry about you eh...

cos
it hurts me when you're sick..
it hurts me when you're sad..
it hurts me when you're crying..
it hurts me when you're not happy..
it hurts me when you're got hurt..

so please pleaseeeee take care of yourself...
pleaseeeee God... help me...

haihhh....

Share my life

2010-11-21T14:51:00.003+08:00

Makes any difference,
I still love you girl
You’re my weakness,
you change my world

Share my life
Trust in me
You’re all I want
Everything I need, Ooo Baby

Makes any difference,
I give you all my heart
Girl my sunsets,
anywhere you are
Baby I’m a dreamer,
you’re still my queen
Your loves like a river girl,
its running right through me

Share my Life, Hey Girl
You can trust in me, Baby
You’re all I want, Hey Girl
You’re everything I need, Hey Babe

You’re my dream and my joy
My heart belongs to you
So I sat down one day
and I wrote this song
‘cause I need you in my world

Share my life baby, Hey girl
You can trust in me girl, Baby
You’re all I want, Baby, Baby
You’re everything I need, Yeah
I really mean it baby, Hey girl

I’ll give you what you want baby, baby hey
If you want it,
you can have it,
baby it’s yours
Listen, I want you right here in my world ,
here in my life, here in my soul
I want the world to know that I need ya,
baby I believe ya, girl
I’ll never deceive you
Share my life Baby

Everyday I love you

2010-11-20T02:36:00.003+08:00

I don't know but I believe
That some things are meant to be
And that you'll make a better me
Everyday I love you

I never thought that dreams came true
But you showed me that they do
You know that I learn something new
Everyday I love you

'Cos I believe that destiny
Is out of our control (don't you know that I do)
And you'll never live until you love
With all your heart and soul

It's a touch when I feel bad
It's a smile when I get mad
All the little things I am
Everyday I love you

Everyday I love you
Everyday I love you

'Cos I believe that destiny
Is out of our control (don't you know that I do)
And you'll never live until you love
With all your heart and soul

If I asked would you say yes?
Together we're the very best
I know that I am truly blessed
Everyday I love you

And I'll give you my best
Everyday I love you

Your Guardian Angel

2010-11-17T23:45:00.001+08:00

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm strong
I have figured out
How this world turns cold
and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find
deep inside me
I can be the one

I will never let you fall(let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all(though it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

note 49

2010-11-16T15:08:00.000+08:00

I am the man for u....i promise
U must have me
U must love me
I don't wanna lose u again
Ever
I swear to God
I'm loving u as we speak

i need...

2010-11-16T08:04:00.000+08:00

to be alone

to do work

to be quiet

time to be with myself

space

can i...

2010-11-16T00:39:00.001+08:00

can i just quit?
can i just let go everything?
can i just drop it?
can i just do it?

sia malas mau buat kerja... terlampau banyak!

note 48

2010-11-15T15:03:00.000+08:00

I love u from under where the cacing live up to where the eagle cant reach..
One of a kind

Come here
Im soo happy
Because i have u

apalagi.. hmmm

note 47

2010-11-14T14:13:00.000+08:00

Can i tell the whole world now
That im in loveeeee

note 46

2010-11-12T15:13:00.000+08:00

i don't want u to go to my world
my world doesn't exist
i'm still working on my world with you
now that's my world
with u and me
im hoping
i swear i love u
i promise

pa...

2010-11-11T17:55:00.002+08:00

how are u?
how are things there?
how's the weather there?
did u get hurt while working?
i never stop thinking of u..
wonder how u are...
tried to call.. but couldn't get u..
well... i miss u sometimes...
be careful....

note 45

2010-11-10T13:57:00.000+08:00

No one will ever take your place baby

selfish or not...? no?

2010-11-09T11:39:00.000+08:00

"love yourself before u love others" - wann

she's right...

2010-11-09T01:53:00.002+08:00

Choose who you want to be, not who others choose to see.. :) - irene

jesus loves u....but....

2010-11-08T18:52:00.004+08:00

I Don't

note 44

2010-11-08T13:56:00.000+08:00

With all that i have...
i push it towards my heart..with all my heart baby...all of it
And i thank god for u to love me this much

a friend's dream

2010-11-07T02:32:00.007+08:00

she: u know.. i had a dream of you and him.
vsk: really?
she: yeah.. this time it's the other way round..
vsk: really...?
she: yeah.. you r him.. and he is you..
vsk: really!!?
she: yup...
vsk: so.. what does that mean?
she: it means it's just a dream...

*hmmm... what if the dream... becomes reality...?*

question 1

2010-11-06T16:27:00.001+08:00

crushed into pieces.
afraid to believe.
what do u do?
how do u fix a ruined person?

note 43

2010-11-05T13:53:00.000+08:00

It is sooo beautiful being with you for a short while...
It beat all the 13 yrs of miserable

note 42

2010-11-04T16:26:00.000+08:00

u know abt the plan
not necessarily to have one
if there's too much probs.
i know
but when i think of it.. it should be ok
it's vanessa we're talking about
with or without... i'll be around
i am the same
i want u in my life bah
i want the whole universe to see u and me
i like that

im happy

2010-11-03T19:38:00.002+08:00

when i have this all by myself

mmmmmmm

note 41

2010-11-03T16:20:00.000+08:00

watching your movie u made
soo nice
feel like it was just yesterday
u wipe me off my feet
begging for more of u
u made me love u more
u made this all possible
and now look at me
i cant get enough of u
lost in your eyes
deeply in love
thank you for loving me this long
u deserve a cookie... hihihi

im happy

2010-11-02T18:57:00.004+08:00

when i smell good..

note 40

2010-11-02T16:05:00.001+08:00

keep me close ok
i need u
im doing my best
i know
i love u so much
this boy loves you

oh Lord

2010-11-02T00:17:00.000+08:00

tell me what is bothering me...

all day....

2010-10-31T04:45:00.001+08:00

i feel like i could break down anytime.. anywhere.. any second..
but i hold it...
cos i dunno why...

goodbye my friend

2010-10-30T13:26:00.007+08:00

when i got up this morning. first call of the day just made my whole day such a devastating one.

a very close friend of mine died yesterday morning in a bike accident on his way back to KL from Betong, Thailand. i kept repeating his name and trying to really really LISTEN to what my friend is telling me. somehow waiting for him to start laughing or giggle... but.... who joke about death huh..

we were very close that i was with him every single day. Doing our best to finish his house. I was the designer for his house. every single thing my opinion is important. very important. he rather hold on to everything else and wait for me to view first. just to see if i like it or not. every single thing in the house. we did together. every decision. hmmm... we laughed. we had fun together. i've learned alot from him cos he was one super detail person. the omfg detail person. yup.

he was a very gentle person. to me at least. never once he raises his voice to me. but to the other contractors. yeah... every single day. even to his brother. he was a very kind hearted man. he advised me what is life all about. how to make money. what is money all about. riding. diving. traveling. men. relationship. friendship. bikes. cars. fun. we talked about every single thing. he always said this to me.

"vanessa. you don't look for money. money will look for you."
(specialize one thing you're really really good at. something that you really really love to do. and when you have mastered it. the world will come to you cos you're so good at it. =) )

yeah. hmmppfft.. it's easier for him to say cos he's a millionaire! hmmm..... at least he finished his 'piece' (the house) for his wife and his 2kids. he's been thru alot. from hard to easy life. he achieved his dreams. retired young and enjoy life. he did all that. but only for few years. 5years? hmmm...

i will never forget the things we did together. the time we spent together.

hmmm... i am so gonna miss that old man.

read here & here

B. i beg you. don't ride anymore.
don't get the bike.
don't ride madly.
don't drive madly.
i'm worried about you. how are you?
i miss you sometimes.
never a day i never thought of you.
please please please be careful.
please... i beg you.
i beg you please...
i don't know how to live if there's anything happen to you.
love you pa.

so again

2010-10-30T03:46:00.002+08:00

i am heartless

note 39

2010-10-30T00:15:00.000+08:00

without me isn't the option
i am with you

quote 11

2010-10-29T08:00:00.001+08:00

am i not worth anything to you...?
how can i mean nothing to you when you mean the world to me...?

wth man

2010-10-28T18:55:00.002+08:00

"I......... like big butts and I can not lie.....
You other brothers can't deny..."

all day this song playing wild in my head...
why? why? why?

hmmmm...
and i have these questions in my head...

what am i gonna do?
have i gone too far now?
do i listen to my heart?
or do i listen to what ppl think i should do?
should i bother? or not?
who should i listen to...?

note 38

2010-10-28T02:22:00.002+08:00

what the hell is wrong with this picture...
im here u there...
im about to lose it

something to think about....

2010-10-27T08:00:00.002+08:00

-- it's for the rest of your life, not just another 10yrs... -- big sis

mencintaimu

2010-10-27T00:52:00.003+08:00

Mencintaimu...
Seumur hidupku
Selamanya...
Setia menanti
Walau di hati saja...
Seluruh hidupku
Selamanya...
Kau tetap milikku

Hanya satu yang tak mungkin kembali
Hanya satu yang tak pernah terjadi
Sgalanya...
Teramat berarti di hatiku
Selamanya...

Mencintaimu...
Seumur hidupku
Selamanya...
Kau tetap milikku

hi B. how are you?
i'm doing good here. Lots of work I need to finish.
It's been awhile I haven't heard anything from you.
How's everything? How's work?
Charlie & Blacky is ok. They're still the same.
Well... I'll talk to you more next time. ok.
be careful ok.. look all around you when working..
take care. bye.

note 37

2010-10-26T08:44:00.001+08:00

i wanna tell u something
i love u so much baby
i will take good care of u
i promise
i miss u everyday
i can't stop thinking of u
now that is from my heart
i swear

uhhuh...

2010-10-26T02:53:00.001+08:00

"God is giving U a reason not a choice!!" - SK

unsure

2010-10-26T00:01:00.000+08:00

sometimes. im not even sure
whether im sure about what im sure
how do you know when you're so sure?
being sure and being so sure
im not even sure what im supposed to be sure anymore

can i think about this one later?

hmmm...

2010-10-25T13:17:00.001+08:00

I am still trying to deal with all the words
that were posted in my brain by him.
If you hear something long enough....
your mind begins to believe it.

ohhh boy...

2010-10-23T04:31:00.000+08:00

i don't think i can do this..

note 36

2010-10-22T00:09:00.002+08:00

Its ok baby...everything will be ok
I'm here for u

note 35

2010-10-21T04:04:00.001+08:00

actually u Vanessa no comparison
i put u to the highest
and.. everything is new to me
no similar stuff with others

while im packing...

2010-10-19T17:31:00.006+08:00

these are the questions im having...

why do i have to feel all the pain first then u come to me and say sorry.
why do i have to go thru all the sorrow then u come to me and say sorry.
why do i have to cry first then u come to me and say sorry.
why do i have to hear all that then u come to me and say sorry.
why do i have to beg for you to stop all that then u come to me and say sorry.

how many times do i have to say ok. i forgive u.
how many times do i have to cry for you to realize it is too much

what have i done to be in this situation
what have i done to feel all this pain
what have i done to be treated this way

when will you ever stop making me feel this way
when will you ever stop doing what you're doing
when is "enough is enough" come into this picture

can i actually do this
can i just forget about everything
can i just let it all go just like that
can i just leave
can i just stay

i can't do anything right now
dammit

1710

2010-10-17T07:09:00.002+08:00

I am done, smoking gun
We've lost it all, the love is gone
She has won. Now it's no fun
We've lost it all, the love is gone

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We found our life's been changed
Babe, you lost me

And we tried, oh how we cried
We lost ourselves, the love has died
And oh, we tried, you can't deny
We're left as shells, we lost the fight

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We found our life's been changed
Babe, you lost me

Now I know you're sorry and we were sweet
But you chose lust when you deceived me
You'll regret it but it's too late
How can I ever trust you again?

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We found our life's been changed
Babe, you lost me

wonder

2010-10-17T02:17:00.003+08:00

hi B
how are you?
how's work?
how's your wrist?
have you been eating well?
can u sleep at night?
have you lose weight?
you ok?
tell me... tell me...
you be careful ok
make sure you have enough of rest
don't push yourself ok
take it easy
don't worry everything is gonna be fine
you're gonna be fine
i'm gonna be fine

*17101999 - 17102010
i will always love you. with all my heart

note 34

2010-10-17T01:53:00.005+08:00

hey
u take your time ok vsk
it isnt that easy to forget
let me know when u are sure ok baby
i love u
ill wait ok
i love u no matter what
i wont let go that easy
not this time
i know it will haunt you forever of how i hurt u before
hopefully u will grow to love me more
and put all that to rest baby
and u are ready to take a chance again with me baby
give me this one chance ok
now i know what love is
......................................................................................

ok

i wanna hold your hand

2010-10-07T17:43:00.001+08:00

love this version... listen to it.. you'll love it...

note 33

2010-10-07T17:30:00.003+08:00

i can't lose u again
i am 120 percent sure
If i can't have u , i don't want nobody baby..
i hope u feel the same way
i'm sorry baby but its the truth
It is hard to change ...once you're in love
i need u more than ever
Every single day is getting harder...
i know what i want
It is u all along Vanessa

me....

2010-10-01T23:27:00.001+08:00

heartless

note 32

2010-09-30T12:20:00.001+08:00

very nice vsk
u just made yourself very important in my life

be grateful...

2010-09-23T14:26:00.001+08:00

Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks unto the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son 

And now let the weak say, 'I am strong'
Let the poor say, 'I am rich
Because of what the Lord has done for us' 

Give thanks

quote 10

2010-09-22T18:08:00.001+08:00

go sleep lah, it's late now
i was just hoping to talk to u and say i love you

note 31

2010-09-22T13:35:00.000+08:00

I haven't stopped missing U yet VSK

note 30

2010-09-21T20:33:00.000+08:00

i miss u and love u
i have to stop crying...
i want u to know that
i didn't stop thinking of u...
my eyes need a rest

tomorrow

2010-09-21T11:47:00.001+08:00

The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be sun!

Just thinkin' about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!

When I'm stuck with a day
That's gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh!

The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may

Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You're always
A daaaaaaaaaay
A way!

quote 9

2010-09-20T23:00:00.001+08:00

i cherish all the years we have been together
and i really want this to work between us

how many times

2010-09-20T18:00:00.001+08:00

You used to tell you loved me
You used to show me you cared
I used to be the one that you adored
But lately I don't feel you love me anymore

See I don't understand
What's come over you
And I don't understand
Why I let you
Treat me so cruel, so tell me

How many times,
must I break down and cry
I'm confused my understanding
Was true love should never die
How many times
Will you kill me inside
Any kind of fool should see the light
So why can't I

Time after time,
I have tried and tried
To give you some space, some time
But no matter what I do, it is never enough
You just refuse to try to do by me right
Though I know I should leave
There's something holding me
I can't seem to find the strength
To set myself free

How many times,
must I break down and cry
I'm confused my understanding
Was true love should never die
How many times
Will you kill me inside
Any kind of fool should see the light
So why can't I

I gave my heart and soul
I gave my all you know
I deserve better baby, oh so much better baby
You know it's just not fair
For you to act like just don't care
For you to act like I've done something wrong
Boy how could you dare

How many times,
must I break down and cry
I'm confused my understanding
Was true love should never die
How many times
Will you kill me inside
Any kind of fool should see the light
So why can't I

-- Jordan Hill --

quote 8

2010-09-18T13:54:00.004+08:00

how you doin?
i'm ok
how's everything?
ok
so?
.... what?
have you got it?
got what?
u haven't answered me... yet...
huh? ohh that.... hmm...
........................................
how's the ocean by the way...?
................................

*sigh

note 29

2010-09-18T13:46:00.003+08:00

my heart is yours
dont think
just do it

note 28

2010-09-15T03:02:00.001+08:00

i miss you like there's no tomorrow
i'm going crazy

wishes

2010-09-14T14:31:00.002+08:00

to have my happiness w you
and for him to have his happiness w her

then i'll be fine...

i'm still breathing...

2010-09-13T02:30:00.002+08:00

Did you think my life would end that day
That you walked out when you broke my heart
Did you think I couldn't make it through
Ooh, without you
Did you think you'd stop my world with goodbye, oh no
Did you think I'd crumble inside

Not me, I'm still breathing
And this heart of mine is still beating
I, I'm not feeling any pain
No baby, not me, I'm still breathing
This old heart of mine is still beating
The tears I cried have dried
You are gone and I survived
I'm still breathing

There were times when it took all my strength
To just get though, yeah, through another day
There were so many nights I thought I was gonna die
Without you
But the tears I cried somehow made me strong, so strong
Did you think I couldn't go on

Not me, I'm still breathing
And this heart of mine is still beating
I, I'm not feeling any pain
No baby, not me, I'm still breathing
This old heart of mine is still beating
The tears I cried have dried
You are gone and I survived
I'm still breathing

You tried to cut me down, cut me down baby
But look who's still around, hey oh
Without you
Did you think you'd stop my world with goodbye, no baby
Did you think I'd crumble, just crumble inside

Not me, I'm still breathing
And this heart of mine is still beating
I, I'm not feeling any pain
No baby, not me, I'm still breathing
This old heart of mine is still beating
The tears I cried have dried
You are gone and I survived
I'm still breathing

The tears I cried have dried
You are gone and I survived
I'm still breathing

note 27

2010-09-04T04:42:00.000+08:00

wish i could hear you
hold u like yesterday
right now words is all i have to take your heart away

it's time to let each other go

2010-08-31T00:15:00.002+08:00

why does it have to be
time is never right for me
what i gotta say
cannot be delayed

why do i have to go first
be the one to cause the hurt
both be holding on
knowing that it's wrong

you know that this ain't easy
but i know you're waiting for me
to stand in front of you
and do what you couldn't do
confirm it's over

this is closure
and it's time to face the truth
i'm giving you, i'm giving you your closure
and it's hard for me to say
but i'll say it anyway
this is over
this is closure

how time has come and gone
together we don't belong
nothing we can say
will ever make that change
i've gone for better or worst
somehow we make it work
but there's no happy end
when you can't be friends

you know that this ain't easy
but i know you're waiting for me
to stand in front of you
and do what you couldn't do
confirm it's over

this is closure
and it's time to face the truth
i'm giving you, i'm giving you your closure
and it's hard for me to say
but i'll say it anyway
this is over
this is closure
it's all over

it's time to let each other go
it's not as if we didn't know
we've been holding on
because it was safe
but it's time to go our separate ways

i'm giving you, i'm giving you closure

-- gabrielle --

a friend told me...

2010-08-24T01:00:00.001+08:00

no matter how well you play your cards....
either way...
you gonna get hurt...

somehow...

2010-08-23T23:35:00.005+08:00

i know where i belong to...
i know what is real.. and what is really real...
i know what is right...
i know what is wrong...
i know what i want... and what i really want...

i know

but

even i knooow...

i am still here...
having this...
this thing in me...

hmmmm

somehow i know...
its gonna be...

____?____

at the end of the day...
you'll see...
and when the time comes...

i hope

you'll be there for me...
smile at me and tell me...

"i'm happy for you"

or

"i'm happy for you"

or

"i'm happy for you"

what say you ah...

this morning...

2010-08-22T02:30:00.003+08:00

i had a bad day. Having heavy breathing. I don't feel good. physically and mentally. i've been thinking and thinking and thinking what's next to do with my work. i've tried my best to make everything goes perfect. guess its not good enough for some people. i hate it so much. i hate myself for it at the same time so i just leave everything and stared at the screen ALL DAY. yup. ALL DAY.

i realized i've been blogging alot. well, that's what happens when one can't keep it inside any longer. too 'heavy' to keep.

a friend of mine is sad because of something and i'm not sure what to say about it and of course it's not true. you've got to believe me cos if you don't. then i'm sorry. sorry that you have to think or feel that way. like i said, i don't want to make things worse. so. if i have to do it so that everyone is happy with it. then yeah, sure. whatever makes you happy.

i know. u don't get me right.. hmmm...

note 26

2010-08-21T14:06:00.000+08:00

our time will come
forget abt everything....just think of me

relieved

2010-08-21T13:14:00.004+08:00

i feel somehow lighter after i let everything out. Especially to you. yup... Everything in 45min.. i think... it was damn hard but i let it go... i just let it all out.. my heart was beating sooo fast something telling me to stop...

"yok.. stop it.. too detail.. too deep.. stop"

but i didn't...

At first, i didn't know where to start. at all. For a longest time, i've been trying to talk about it but i have no idea where to begin. i guess when one keeping it too long.. too old... it gets 'easier' to muntah everything since most of the unwanted details are forgotten.. i mean blurry... you get what i mean? do you get me?

well, just imagine, i summarized the whole thing in less an hour... or was it more? hmm...

what i'm trying to do and why i'm doing this cos i'm tired. i'm sick of it. i'm done thinking. and now. i'm walking towards the lights.. eisehmen... hehe.. come on.. it's a huge maze, an expert level... so. it's not that easy. i'm working on it. my way. let me do this my way. i'm not saying my way is better or pretty. it could be bad, ugly or worse, i dunno... whatever.. but i wanna do it my way.

i just need you to be there.. mentally.. spiritually.. try your best to understand me cos i know you don't get it. too many whys i don't have the answer... for now. too many whats and hows and bla bla bla...

hmmm i guess you're right.. my level of ketahanan is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy up there.

tell you what... i'm about to reach the peak... my arms are pumped.. =) TIGHT!!!!

quote 7

2010-08-19T23:18:00.003+08:00

what's gonna happen to you if i'm gone...
i don't know... i rather die... i only have you and mummy in my life...
do you wanna go...?
no
do you wanna.... grow old with me...?
yes
.........................................
ma.... don't go.... i love you... i'm sorry....
...................................................................
hmmm... yeah.... ok... let's just sleep. ok.

note 25

2010-08-19T20:00:00.000+08:00

everytime i sit and listen to the music...
Vanessa appears..

dilemma

2010-08-19T17:28:00.003+08:00

there's alot of things i just wanna say out loud but it's not that simple.. cos if i do, it's not gonna be a pretty picture. i hate myself for doing this but i gotta do it. just do it and get it done. or else.. i will never forgive myself. i think...

i've been wondering for a very looong time and it's been haunting me for years. i know. silly me huh. so now. i'm done wondering. nothing will stop me. yes. i am that selfish. i am and i am soooooo sorry. just let me go and i'll come back. no matter what.

i never ask any of this to happen. what i'm sure of, i let it happened.. i just go with the flow and i'm here right now. having this dilemma. not knowing what to do... actually, you know what, i know what to do.. from the very beginning, i know what to do, but i'm too selfish. or fool? or crazy? hmmm....

yes. i am that crazy. i can't help it. i've tried soooo many ways to stop it. i walked away. i shut it down. i let go. i did all that. been there done that. but it keeps on coming back from every corner. it is harder than i could imagine to just walk away and pretend as if nothing happen. cos when i do that, almost every now and then, i find myself falling apart. i don't feel like doing anything. i just sit there and keep staring. and the next thing i know, i'm back to same spot.

i just gotta do this.

you can hate me or you can love me or scream your lungs out right to my face. all i'm asking for now is.... let me go. i'll come back. and when i come back. i'll do my best to put myself into one piece. i'll use the same medicine... walk away and let it be.

do u get me? anyone?

i need to.....

2010-08-17T01:49:00.000+08:00

WAKE UP!
WAKE UP!
WAKE UP!
WAKE UP!

and i love you so...

2010-08-16T02:56:00.001+08:00

note 24

2010-08-16T02:52:00.001+08:00

just follow your heart darling...
U know what to do...
your heart will lead U to where U wanna go...
I can't stop or force U..
U already know where my heart is..

quote 6

2010-08-14T17:58:00.002+08:00

are you ok?
yeah.. i'm ok..
then why are u so sad..?
............
i dunno... i'm just sad over something...
something what....
.............
work....
don't worry... everything will be fine
i dont think so...

*hugs

note 23

2010-08-14T17:18:00.002+08:00

i miss u
i love u
i need u now
come with me
pls.... i'm begging u
i can't.. i want to but i can't
this is hard vanessa
i'm not ready for this
neither do i...
bye vanessa
i see u when i see u...

note 22

2010-08-06T21:31:00.001+08:00

another day wasted without u

note 21

2010-08-06T04:15:00.002+08:00

i need u now
soooooooooo desperately
i hate this
i only wanna be with you
its better
i miss u

Nothing Hurts Like Goodbye

2010-08-03T23:00:00.001+08:00

Have you ever been hurt so bad
That you thought that you would die
Have your had to hold back tears
When you just wanted to cry
Have you ever had to hear the truth
And try to keep a smile
Have you ever had so much to say
That you just ran out of time

Nothing hurts more than when you're saying goodbye
You're left feeling lonely with pain you feel inside
The heart keeps aching and you feel a little fragile
Cause nothing hurts, nothing hurts, like goodbye

Ever wish you can turn back time

And live your life again
Have you ever wanted one more chance
To right all your regrets
Wish the rain could was away tears
And wash away the hurt
Cause pushing thoughts to the back of your head
It doesn't seem to work

Nothing hurts more than when you're saying goodbye
You're left feeling lonely with pain you feel inside
Your heart keeps breaking and you feel a little fragile
Cause nothing hurts, no nothing hurts, like goodbye

Like goodbye

-- gabrielle --

me

2010-07-27T02:35:00.000+08:00

words fall through me and always fool me....

he's not happy...

2010-07-23T14:54:00.001+08:00

when damien kiss ellena
and me sooooooooooo happy
but dammit!! it's catherine!!
hmmmmm

note 20

2010-07-23T12:28:00.000+08:00

It's what we are
It's what u are
It's what i am
Nothing wrong abt loving someone
U will never know how i feel abt u
Hard to explain
Unexplained
Word aren't strong to deliver the signal
I wish there's a new ways of doing it

still breathing...

2010-07-23T02:04:00.003+08:00

hmmm... what am i gonna do? i've been thinking of this question for a very long time. very long time. sadly i still don't know. i'm not sure what i'm gonna do. what should i do? see. no idea. dammit. it's been haunting me for a long time and it is still haunting me like nobody business. i keep on having this heavy breathing. i'm sure you know what i'm talking about. heavy breathing. where you keep taking a very deep breath and when you let go, somehow you feel a lil' bit better. but of course it comes back to square one after a sec.

i'm not sure what you doing to me but i'm prepared. i think. this is it. i've been wondering and wondering and wondering. so now. i just have to deal with it. now or never.

you think i can pull myself together? i'm not sure. we will see. i'll let you know when i'm done with the design.

home

2010-07-22T03:40:00.003+08:00

is where everybody knows everybody... when it comes to me... i know faces... i'm not really good with names... names can be a total stranger to me and when i see those faces.. i'll be like "ahaaaa!!" you know...? most of them. well. i think they know my name than my face... *heeeee.... kan femes... and uniQUE. hehe.. who have my name right... if u know.. tell me... i wanna say "hey buddy.." hihi.. i still don't understand why i got it... but oh well... it's easier for you to remember me... right? just so you know... there's oneeee i don't like... which i'm not gonna say it here... =P nextttttt

is where u can just be at home doin nothing.. listening to mummy bising bising here and there.. almost 24/7... when she's right there in front of me... and if its meant for me... sia pandai panas juga la.. but then.... when the others kena... i'll be laughing at the corner... and right now... i miss that... hmmmm.... BUT... that doesn't mean i'm gonna be one angel daughter... hehehe... i will still be the pain in the ass daughter... lol... hmmm (jgn macam macam.. u too ah...) <--- now.. that's for the sisters only... not for you.. if you're not... hmmm whatever... what i'm saying is... i miss her... that's all....

is where u have ur mom... ur dad... brothers and sisters around. why do we have to be so far away from each other...? why? sometimes i wonder why i'm here... tiada juga savings... i mean... well.. i dooo have.. (fingers cross) but... till when? where do i go from here....? i wonder... what do i really want? what's next? ya ya... keep that question... i'll let you know when i'm ready...

anywayssss... home is home... no matter what... but why am i not at home? i don't understand what i'm saying here.. i just dunno why i'm here... i thought i knew.. guess i don't... it's just blank.... i need to fill it in... very soon... no no... not that... something else...

okla.... main boring... gnight!

i dunno...

2010-07-21T16:49:00.005+08:00

"are you coming back w me?"
"i wish but u know i'm on standby... "
"yeah.. but..... " *sigh
"are you going back?"
"eh? what do you mean? of course i'm going back.. everybody is gonna be there"
"and you gonna leave me alone..?"
"just for few days... yeah... "
"when are you going back?"
"i dunno...."
"how long you gonna be there?"
"i dunno.... i'll let you know...."
"i'll be all alone here?"
"errr.... something like that.... "
......
"i'll call you every 10minutes.. ok?"
........
"ok.... promise..?" *sigh
" yeah... "

yeah... i haven't told him that my flight is confirmed months ago... and its gonna be 7days...

hmmm.... now what...

i dunno what to tell him....